Well I've never really ever written on dA's Journal.
I've never needed to. I used to have a diary AND a psychologist.
Now I dont even have a diary.

I used to be a dA addict. Just to submit poems really.
Then I fell in love with other peoples work.
I was a huge fan of *jstles,
x-horizon and !PoeticIrony to name a few.

deviantArt became more than just a website to publish my poems.
Through dA i discovered a number of groups consisting of people who care and others alike, who helped me in my struggle with depression and SI.
Groups such as XSlitxWristxTheoryX and *assorted-nuts were the kind that respected your artwork, choices and opinions and supported you through your mental illness and recovery process.

After moving from NSW to QLD with nothing but a full suitcase and $200, my logins became infrequent as I didnt have access to the Internet. I started working and moved from place to place, until I met a guy who I fell in love with.

Scott Joseph Perkins We met in January 2007 and started dating later in Febuary. Our friendship formed quickly and we rapidly grew even closer. We moved in together later in May and here we are a year on. He is the first guy I really trust.
He has a great sense of humour, is sensitive to my needs and emotions, cares for me, cooks for me, cleans for me, loves me.

And I love him.

We've been together for 13 months, but it hasnt been smooth sailing; mostly because of my depression and the complex emotions its left me with. It feels like we've had the ups and downs of an 8 year marriage. But we both stick together.
We're talking about getting engaged soon and then in the next couple of years after that getting married and having kids.
It's everything I never thought I'd have. And I can have it...

So whats the problem right?

Its been a while, a good 8 or 9 months, since I've had that depressed feeling. Thats partly why I havent submitted any new poems; because I didnt have that raw emotion to put to paper.
But now, recently, over the past 2 weeks, I've felt that feeling creeping back up on me. It surprised me because I had almost forgotten what it felt like. But I wont ever forget.
I always notice when I'm starting to sink back into a mood. Not just a mood but an actual depressed state. I know the warning signs like the lyrics to the Sound of Music:

Cant sleep or struggle to get up in the morning - check
Irritable or Impatient - check
Unmotivated - check
Cries for no obvious reason - check
Loss of interest in things I enjoy - check
Restless - check
Social Withdrawal - not so much yet.
Thoughts of self harm or suicide - check

Not so much suicide but self harm yes.
And thats why I'm here.

A little while before I started writing this journal, I self harmed.
To me, thats a huge step back on my part.
I dont have the support networks I had when I lived at home.
I cant just take days off work because I'm too depressed to drag my arse out of bed. If I dont work, my bills wont get paid.
I dont want to revert back to old habits.
This one slip up was enough. I'm trying to find the strength in me to dispose my shiny little friend. But I dont think I'll be able to do it today.

I'll just hide it the way I use to, cover my cuts the way I used to and hope it will all go away just like I use to.

Perhaps I'll start to use dA as a journal. Perhaps I'll be able to write again. Perhaps I might turn back to those groups to help me catch it before it catches me.

Even though I dont have family or friends close by, a diary, or a psychologist, I have a boyfriend who cares but doesnt quite understand, A journal to turn to but isnt quite private and a community of caring people, while not close in distance, are close in heart.

That's enough to keep me going for now =]